Saturday, March 21, 2009

Address in the Stars!!

I heard this song on the way back from the Warriors game tonight and fell in love with it....

verse 1: i stumbled across your picture today i could barely breathe the moment stopped me cold and grabbed me like a thief i dialed your number but you wouldnt be there i knew the whole time but its still not fair i just wanted to hear your voice i just needed to hear your voice

chorus: what do i do with all i need to say so much i wanna tell you everyday though it breaks my heart i cry these tears in the dark i write these letters to you but they get lost in the blue cause theres no address in the stars

verse 2: now im drivin through the pitch black dark im screaming at the sky oh cause it hurts so bad everybody tells me oh all i need is time then the mornin rolls in and it hits me again light aint nothin but a lie

chorus: what do i do with all i need to say so much i wanna tell you everyday though it breaks my heart i cry these tears in the dark i write these letters to you but they get lost in the blue cause theres no address in the stars

verse 3: without you here with me i dont know what to do id give anything just to talk to you though it breaks my heart oh it breaks my heart all i can do is write these letters to you but theres no address in the stars

Monday, March 16, 2009

What If????

I am not a one who is big about dwelling on this question "What If?", but lately it has been in my head a lot. I believe that things happen for a reason and that there is a season for everything, so when this question started popping up in my head it really has been bothering me. Am I questioning God's Plan for my life? I don't think that is it, but I have really been convicted about what a control freak I am. I need to let that go...but for now I will get back on topic!!!

What if...well I think a lot of it has to do with the one year anniversary of Jeremi's death. It is just amazing to me how someone can come into your life for such a short period of time and have such a BIG IMPACT on it. I met Jeremi about a year after getting out of a 3 1/2 year long miserable relationship. My self esteem was in the gutter and Beer had become one if not the only major food group in my life. My friends were worried, I cried, I drank to stop crying which would lead me to cry even more which lead me to drink get the picture. I was on a downhill spiral and I didn't know which way was up. One weekend in an attempt to cheer my friend's son up I took all of us to a baseball game where I met Jeremi for the first time. When I first met him I really thought it was a weekend of fun and baseball, but it turned out to be a year long romance that taught me a lot about myself. Up until that point I really let people determine the way I felt about myself...was I good enough, pretty enough, smart enough....I let the outside world tell me what I was. Jeremi showed me to be ME no matter what others thought...I think that is what I miss about him the most. Well that and he always made me laugh. When I was with him I felt like a Queen and that we were the only two people in the world. He realized what was important to me and was interested in that too whether it was my family or the work. Things did come to an end...the Baseball lifestyle of seeing each other once a month wasn't for me and I wasn't ready to give up my career to be with him all the time, so we parted ways. It wasn't the last time our paths crossed though. It is very interesting that he popped back into my life at the end of a very messy break up with "cube dude." His timing was impeccable and just what I needed at that point in time. Wouldn't you know it he showed up out of the blue again totally unexpected. If I would have know that would be the last time we would meet in person on this earth there are a lot of things I would have said to him that I didn't say.

Lesson learned we aren't promised tomorrow so don't let things go unsaid that need to be heard. You never know if that was the one thing that person needed in their life at that moment in time. Did Jeremi know how much he means to me? That I will never know and if I had it to do all over again there are some things I would have done differently....I don't say that about a lot of things because I believe that experiences form us into the people we become. I do know that he was a ray of light in one of the darkest moments in my life and I always thought our paths would cross again some day so that I could thank him for that. God had a different plan and I trust it is the best one for me. Even so my heart still aches and tears fall from my eyes when the question WHAT IF....enters my brain when it comes to Jeremi Gonzalez.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

How Time Flies....

Well it has been a long time since I got on here and updated everyone with what is going on in my life. The past two months at work have been very challenging as the project that I am working on filed an IND submission to the FDA this last Friday. What that means for me was several reports (5 to be exact) that needed reviewing, revised, reviewed again, justified why the results were interrupted the way they were then revised and reviewed again. Getting final signatures two weeks ago which was only 2 weeks behind when they were originally suppose to be done. Through all of this I learned a lot, about myself, my coworkers, and just how everyone on that team came together and really supported one another to make it all come together. It was a lot of hard work, but something I am actually really proud of.

Just as I thought things at work were starting to settle down this last week we got new that Genentech (the company I work for) and Roche (our Swiss counterpart) agreed to a merger. I am really sad about this because I really like the company I work for as it is. We were not in any kind of trouble...Roche just got Greedy and wanted to make more money off GNE then it already does. The part I really have a hard time with is not knowing what will happen next. I had found myself in a very unique situation considering the economy. I really haven't had to worry about job security....well until this week. It puts life in an entirely new perspective. I will be ok no matter what happens, but just not knowing really drives me crazy. It is very unsettling and there are so many people going through it. So it will be interesting to see what the next few months bring.