Monday, March 16, 2009

What If????

I am not a one who is big about dwelling on this question "What If?", but lately it has been in my head a lot. I believe that things happen for a reason and that there is a season for everything, so when this question started popping up in my head it really has been bothering me. Am I questioning God's Plan for my life? I don't think that is it, but I have really been convicted about what a control freak I am. I need to let that go...but for now I will get back on topic!!!

What if...well I think a lot of it has to do with the one year anniversary of Jeremi's death. It is just amazing to me how someone can come into your life for such a short period of time and have such a BIG IMPACT on it. I met Jeremi about a year after getting out of a 3 1/2 year long miserable relationship. My self esteem was in the gutter and Beer had become one if not the only major food group in my life. My friends were worried, I cried, I drank to stop crying which would lead me to cry even more which lead me to drink get the picture. I was on a downhill spiral and I didn't know which way was up. One weekend in an attempt to cheer my friend's son up I took all of us to a baseball game where I met Jeremi for the first time. When I first met him I really thought it was a weekend of fun and baseball, but it turned out to be a year long romance that taught me a lot about myself. Up until that point I really let people determine the way I felt about myself...was I good enough, pretty enough, smart enough....I let the outside world tell me what I was. Jeremi showed me to be ME no matter what others thought...I think that is what I miss about him the most. Well that and he always made me laugh. When I was with him I felt like a Queen and that we were the only two people in the world. He realized what was important to me and was interested in that too whether it was my family or the work. Things did come to an end...the Baseball lifestyle of seeing each other once a month wasn't for me and I wasn't ready to give up my career to be with him all the time, so we parted ways. It wasn't the last time our paths crossed though. It is very interesting that he popped back into my life at the end of a very messy break up with "cube dude." His timing was impeccable and just what I needed at that point in time. Wouldn't you know it he showed up out of the blue again totally unexpected. If I would have know that would be the last time we would meet in person on this earth there are a lot of things I would have said to him that I didn't say.

Lesson learned we aren't promised tomorrow so don't let things go unsaid that need to be heard. You never know if that was the one thing that person needed in their life at that moment in time. Did Jeremi know how much he means to me? That I will never know and if I had it to do all over again there are some things I would have done differently....I don't say that about a lot of things because I believe that experiences form us into the people we become. I do know that he was a ray of light in one of the darkest moments in my life and I always thought our paths would cross again some day so that I could thank him for that. God had a different plan and I trust it is the best one for me. Even so my heart still aches and tears fall from my eyes when the question WHAT IF....enters my brain when it comes to Jeremi Gonzalez.

No comments: